Moonlighting (and the Soft Sell)

For a handful of "homestands" I've been working, part-time, taking fan photos at SF Giants games. It doesn't pay a ton but it can be fun; and being at AT&T Park is very easy for a Baseball Geek like myself. Besides, it's good cover for me when I'm fighting crime down by the docks.

Here are some observations:

1) People who are rude to me when I ask them if they want their photo taken for the Giants website are, 9 times out of 10, not having a very good time--even though they are at a baseball game*. By rude I mean pretending to ignore me when I'm 2 feet infront of you, looking at you. I also mean, making a face at me like I've just asked you if you want herpes for your child. I am not asking you for money, you won't take as good a photo of yourselves as I will and you will be on the Giants' website (if you don't want to take a photo for the many many reasons one might not want to take a photo just say "no thank you" or "maybe later"--I'll get the point. I'm human. I understand). By rude I also mean narcissistic retorts such as "Sorry Chief!" or "You gonna pay me?" Don't be sorry Private. It's a photo. Watch me forget all about you, turn, and ask the person right next to you. My standard response to the latter is "I charge more than you do." The reason I say that? Because "Hey, fuck you!" or "You must be broke" or "You look retarded" aren't considered polite enough.

2) When you were all younger YOU DID INDEED look as "high" as you thought you looked.

3) Don't tell me you "don't do photos." What does that mean? Do you also not use deodorant? Do you still wipe your teeth with a shoe-shining cloth?

4) Working class people will most always be polite. However, that percentage drops when asking working class men with no woman around if they want to take a photo together. It doesn't drop by that much. My standard response to that (in my mind or under my breath) "Yeah, you guys do look like you have a little of The Gay in you."

5) "I'm in the witness protection program" and "We're having an affair" are both unoriginal and only mildly funny the first time they were ever said.** I won't even smile.

6) "I'm all-right" is NOT a satisfactory response. "I'm all-right" is a response after an action sequence, in a bad action movie, and even then it is only "satisfactory" in a hacky way.

7) Older rich women will actually tip you as will 30 something middle-class males (when drunk).

8) The strange rise in the Cult of the Celebrity over the past decade or so is killing our teenage girls. Ladies, 10 photos per night should be enough. Let's keep it at 10, maybe even under 10.

9) If you are a Berkeley Trust fund kid don't you dare ask me about my job and then throw in a few buzz words you learned after reading three essays in a French Socialists audited course. My standard response to this was "I will throw you into McCovey Cove. If my job is as bad as you say it is I have nothing to lose."

There's one more homestand and then this part-time piece is finished.

* The only exception to this rule are parents that seem like they've been driven way too wild by their children and are just trying to get to the bathroom or back to their seats with their kids intact. I get it, sometimes you are just at the end of your rope and in the modern baseball park it seems as if everything is geared to make you fork over money and your childrens' short attention spans are thrown into overdrive as a result of the stimuli.

** When cameras were invented and when the Witness Protection Program was created.